aujourd'hui
addition

::Saturday, May 8, 2010::04:34 p.m.::

there was another thought I had- my music consumption is like my ability to make friends. Recently, I haven't connected with any music. There are some things I like, maybe think are interesting and will give them a few listens. But I used to buy albums and listen to them on repeat over and over again. They were what defined me and in some ways still do. I wonder if it's my inability to let go of this music, or that our ability to keep them in our itunes library makes them still stay around. Sometimes I feel like we need to move on and change and technology has made it possible to keep our past selves around for far too long- like with this blog.

But music. Maybe it's because I don't listen to albums as much as I used to. Just download 2 songs there, a playlist or something. Just tons of random musicians and songs. Recently I've been trying to combat this by buying albums on vinyl. Having a record player has really revolutionized my relationship with music. I'm starting to listen to entire albums again and have come to appreciate the album as an art form. Albums have become my new good friends.

I recently bought the XX alubm, though off itunes. I wish I had it on vinyl (hint hint), but at least I have it. I haven't connected with an album in this way since...I don't know. Maybe fleet foxes last year. It's a depressing album, but very beautiful. Really connects with my emotions right now. It has the potential of becoming a good friend.

ego sum?
::04:34 p.m.::


 aujourd'hui
So it goes

::Saturday, May 8, 2010::04:22 p.m.::

I was replying to an email from M when I started musing on friendship. What makes a good friend these days? I used to have a plethora of good friends in high school. Then I when I came to college I was put in the all girls dorm and it became very difficult to meet people. I had my friends in the dorm, us normal ones had to band together. And they're wonderful. But sometimes I feel like we've all gone our separate ways and we're not as close anymore. At least, I don't feel like I can open up to them in the same way that I used to. Really, I can't open up to most people these days. Maybe it's because I don't feel like they really know me now...since they haven't been in my life.

It just scares me, because I'll be graduating in two weeks. Am I going to be able to make new friends? It used to be something that I was natural at, but after coming back from being abroad it's been really difficult. Perhaps it's because I'm pickier now, have more specific interests. Maybe it's because I offend people. I just can't seem to get close to anyone. Either I always have my guard up, or they do.

I read this interesting article written by a Tufts senior for the Boston Globe, discussing how our relationship with technology is affecting how we socialize in the real world. Mostly, that it has become more difficult for us to have face to face interactions, despite our ease with which we build and maintain relationships online. Obviously there are differences between the way we present ourselves online vs out in the physical world. There is something comfortable about leaving interactions for online. No awkward staring, no trying to hide emotions. It's almost self-effacing, or perhaps it just constructs ourselves in a different way. I just think about how people don't even like talking on the phone and prefer texting. For me, it's the possibility of misunderstanding, or not being able to comprehend what they're saying. Or the awkward dead space that can't be filled. With online interactions, you can walk away at any point with ease. Make a comment and then the interaction is done. No rituals of greeting and leaving. But does this then mean that these interactions lose their meaning? Or their special-ness?

ego sum?
::04:22 p.m.::


 aujourd'hui
and we leave only to return again

::Sunday, May 2, 2010::03:07 p.m.::

I'm always amazed that I can still come back to this.
I just recently started another blog:
http://sugaredlemon.tumblr.com
A place to post interesting things that I find online.
But I realized today that it can't be an online diary, at least not like how this one was. I wanted to post something about my current feelings, but suddenly I realized I was only returning to the emo highschool way of blogging, a realization that lead to me literally returning- to this site, where I have emotionally blogged hundreds of times.
There is a comfort in posting here, a going back home sort of feeling. And an inability to be judged. Perhaps because I don't expect anyone I know to actually read this. However, if I posted this on tumblr...well...it just seems inappropriate. The layout is also not conducive to feeling-laden rants. I love this layout. A little depressing...in terms of color. But hey, it works. Mayhaps I'll try and archive this and start anew, another page (haha) in the original sugaredlemon blog.

ego sum?
::03:07 p.m.::